Title: Lois Lane - Matchmaker
Pairings: Lois/Castiel, Chloe/Oliver
Disclaimer: Don't own
Summary: Castiel was sent by heaven to train Lois, the first human angel, and he's having a hard time of it, not quite sure where he's going wrong. But to help her earn her wings he decides to help her with her self-appointed mission to get Chloe and Clark together, although he's quite sure they're going about it the wrong way, and that he's not getting Lois' true intentions.
A/N: A LONG while back (like 2008-ish) I received some requests. This is one of the remaining ones. It was requested by Selenepol who wanted: A story about Castiel and Lois, not necessarily a pairing, could be just a friendship. Castiel needs loosening up and could be teaching her to be a potential angel, with her not dying but still being an angel on earth. Her poor family and friends have to put up with her 'helping them', with her even trying to be 'cupid'.
This oneshot is SERIOUSLY late, but, uh, better late than never, right? (hopeful expression)
Castiel stared at his charge in despair, not sure exactly where he'd gone wrong. He'd trained countless garrisons in heaven, had been in charge of innumerable soldiers, and he'd been good at it. That was why he couldn't understand exactly why he was failing so spectacularly when it came to Lois Lane. When he'd first been given this assignment he'd been sure that it was a joke, and then when he found out that they were being completely serious he'd figured he'd done something to displease his superiors and that it was a demotion of some sort. Then he'd actually met the brunette and realized that it wasn't that heaven was sneering at him, no, heaven was putting all its faith in him because he doubted that any other angel would be making as much progress with her as he was… and he really hadn't made much progress at all.
The girl was an anomaly, a human who'd somehow become fused with grace that'd been taken from one of the fallen angels, and had become the very first human angel in existence. Castiel was relieved about the latter because he didn't know how many Lois Lanes he (the world, or even heaven) could handle.
"All I'm saying is that you'd be a lot more relaxed if you got laid." Lois made a face as she stared at him. "You might be some big hoity toity angel but you're in the body of a human being with human needs." She planted her hands on her hips. "I think its hypocritical of you to want to teach me all about the ways of angels and yet fight my trying to teach you the ways of humans."
Castiel sighed and wondered exactly how he was supposed to respond to that, so he didn't even try. "Have you found your task?" He'd been doing his best to try and teach her to be an angel, to teach her how they spent their lives in the service of humans and did all they could to make them happy, and that was how this conversation had gotten off track onto other 'services' Lois swore made humans very happy.
"Yes." Lois nodded, a large smile on her face as she anchored her hands on her hips. "I'm going to help my cousin to have hot monkey sex-."
Castiel palmed his face. "Lois-."
He frowned and pulled his hand from his face. "You want your cousin to fornicate with the whole town?"
Lois raised an eyebrow. "I meant Clark." She let out a sigh. "Chloe's been in love with that doofus from before she had boobs. How I figure it, getting her with him is more than enough to earn my wings."
Ah, Castiel was seeing the situation a little more clearly now. Lois had verbalized that she wished her cousin to fornicate with the boy, but Castiel realized that she was actually implying that she wished to cement a romantic and tangible relationship between them instead, and not just some physical connection. His eyes widened. Maybe-this could work! If Chloe truly loved this boy then she truly would be happy when she joined with him and Lois could definitely be on her way to being recognized as angelic by their peers and not just some anomaly.
He paused though as he realized that should she complete this task she would most probably be assigned to the cupid division. He shuddered for a moment as he thought about the cherubs. He could not see Lois fitting in there, but if that was where her talents lay then who was he to judge or stand in the way? To each their own he supposed.
"Helloooo?" Lois waved in front of his face. "Earth to Cas?"
"Castiel," he corrected, for what felt like the hundredth time. "How do you propose to join your cousin with Clark Kent if they have had all these years to do so on their own and yet nothing has happened?"
"Easy peasy lemon squeezy." Lois, as always, said things that left Castiel feeling like he hadn't properly learnt the English language because he just couldn't understand her. "This is Chloe and Smallville we're talking about. I know Chloe well enough to know how to manipulate her-and Smallville's a pushover with no backbone." She rubbed her hands and looked more demonic than angelic as she grinned. "They'll be like putty in my hands."
Castiel raised an eyebrow. "You do realize that manipulation isn't what angels do, do you not? That is-."
"Hush, Cas, I'm brainstorming here!" Lois walked away and muttered to herself.
Castiel stared after her and sighed, wondering why he felt like he might've made a terrible decision by okaying this mission.
When Castiel had appeared to Lois for the first time all those months ago and told her what she was and why he was there, one of the first things he'd told her was that it must remain a secret and no one could know about it or what he truly was. She had, of course, promptly told her cousin everything. When he'd confronted her about it she'd been quite unphased by his annoyance and told him that Chloe was her "Call Home" option, and he'd been so confused as to what she'd meant by that that he hadn't felt he was qualified to defy that logic. It was only the beginning of Lois Lane and her oddness that left Castiel feeling completely out of his depth. He'd come to truly appreciate Chloe Sullivan's presence because she acted as a translator for him at times, and if it wasn't for the blonde he didn't think he would've gotten through as much as he had to Lois. It hurt his ego somewhat to have to rely on a human to this degree, but he had a mission when it came to Lois Lane and he wasn't too proud to use any method available to him to complete it successfully.
And, by the heavens, he would be successful! Even if it killed him!
But, as he stared at Lois as she did her "community service of the day" (as she called it) he couldn't help but feel she was actually bullying Clark into doing most of the work (and criticing his brushing technique) instead of actually helping him with the painting of the Kent's barn. Castiel sighed. He had so much work left to do here it was painful.
Chloe returned from the house, where she'd offered to get everyone water since they were thirsty, and stood next to Castiel as he watched Lois. "If you don't stop sighing your face is going to get stuck with that expression."
Castiel turned to look at her, believing she probably was telling the truth because he couldn't even smile at this moment if he wanted to.
"Poor angel." Chloe held up her tray. "Have a cookie, it will make you feel better."
Castiel usually would refuse anything offered to him with an explanation that as an angel he didn't need human substance in order to survive, but the girl had promised that this morsel would make him feel less anxious so he took one without complaint and bit into it, despondant. Chewing and swallowing he did not feel better, wondering if this cookie was something that only affected human moods.
"Awwww." Chloe was apparently able to tell somehow that the cookie hadn't worked. "Don't worry Castiel, you'll make a great angel out of her. I know you will."
He wasn't that sure, but humanity's faith had always been heaven's greatest power. "Thank you."
She smiled at him.
"Sidekick!" Oliver Queen, one of Los' many exes (Castiel felt there were too many) jogged towards them, a large smile on his face as he stole a glass of water from Chloe's tray. "Getting a bit cozy with Lois' probation officer, don't you think?"
"Not really your business, don't you think?" Chloe raised an eyebrow at him before she turned to Castiel, knocked her shoulder softly into his in what he took to be a "cheer up!" move, and went to give the other people much needed water.
Castiel watched her go and bit into his cookie once more with a sigh. Why couldn't Lois have come up with the idea to get refreshments for those laboring? It was an angelic thing to do! Why couldn't he see any progress in his charge? Hearing an odd, persistant sound, Castiel turned his gaze on Oliver, wondering if he was choking considering he kept clearing his throat over and over again.
"You know, Lois never said what she did to earn herself a probation officer."
The angel hesitated before he answered. "You should ask her."
"That bad?" Oliver snorted before his gaze went to Chloe. "So, you and Sidekick seem to be close."
"I consider us to be of one mine." Castiel considered her his only help and support when it came to understanding Lois, and getting Lois to understand him. Chloe was the only one who seemed to share his vision of future Lois, which seemed especially hard to focus on sometimes because the human angel in question really didn't seem to care all that much about her training.
"Oh, really." Oliver looked away.
Lois jogged up to them, more paint on her than on her side of the barn as she reached out and grabbed Castiel's hand. "Come on Cas! You can't just stand there watching! Join us!"
Castiel opened his mouth to remind her once more that that was not his name, and that as her SO he was required to oversee her training.
"I don't want to hear it!" Lois grinned brightly as she yanked him back to her section of the barn. "We're supposed to be here to help others, right? And the Kents need this barn painted and dry before the rain starts."
Well, she did have a point there.
Lois grinned, apparently knowing she'd won, and shoved her paint brush in his hands. "Here, I'll share with you."
As Cas dipped the paintbrush into the can of paint by their feet, he had a feeling that he might be experiencing Lois Lane's manipulation first-hand.
"What are we doing?" Castiel frowned as they hid behind bushes in a quite undignified manner.
"It's called recon." Lois had a pair of binoculars pressed to her face, intent on what she was watching through the shrubbery. "I told Clark and Chloe to meet me over at that cafe so we could all have lunch together and there they are."
Castiel raised an eyebrow. "Will you not be joining them then?"
"Of course not!" Lois snorted. "I only said that so they'd go to one of the most romantic cafes spots I know of!"
Castiel frowned. "You are saying that you lied to them."
"Yep." She grinned and had no sense of shame whatsoever.
The angel closed his eyes and fought the urge to palm his face. "Lois, there is a commandment that specifically tells us not to do what you just did!"
Lois waved him off, completely discarding what he was saying as her phone beeped and she put down her binoculars to check it. "Aha! Chloe's texting me to see where I am!" She started texting back and spoke what she wrote. "Sorry Lil Cuz. Something came up and I'm tied up. You and Smallville should just have lunch without me. I'll try make it but I don't think I will. SEND!" She grinned.
Yet more lies.
Castiel groaned as he stared up at the sky, asking his Father exactly what he had to do to get through to this girl.
Lois turned to him. "I'm hungry. Why don't you blink to someplace and get us something to eat? We'll be here for a while."
Castiel took in a deep breath. "My ability to teleport isn't something that should be used just so that you-."
Her stomach growled as she held out money towards him. "Preach later, cheeseburger and fries now."
The angel sighed and just decided not to argue with her since unlike him she did need to eat to survive. He teleported to her favorite food place, ordered her food, paid with the money she'd given him, and teleported back to her.
"It's about time!" Lois gazed down at her watch. "You're five seconds slower than usual."
He handed her her food without complaint, trying to lead by example.
"Thanks, Cas." Lois grinned and him and bit into some fries as she turned her attention back to the others with her binoculars, a frown marring her face. "Wait wait wait! What the heck happened while I was timing you?"
Intrigued by her horror, Cas sneaked a peek out through the shrubbery to see that Oliver Queen now sat between Clark and Chloe, the three of them grinning and laughing.
"Oooh! He's ruining everything!" Lois chomped down on another fry in anger. "What's he doing there anyway?"
"Maybe he was hungry." Castiel didn't understand why she was taking this so personally. It wasn't as if the human was deliberately interfering in her manipulations.
"Damn him!" She growled.
"Lois," Castiel tried. "We're here to save people, not damn them."
Lois wasn't even paying any attention to him, phone out once more. "I'm going to tell him to get the hell out of there!" She started vocalizing what she wrote once more. "Ollie, go away! You're ruining my brilliant plans here!" She sent the text and grabbed her binoculars to eye the human better as he received the text and pulled out his phone from his pocket to read it. He raised an eyebrow and texted back, her phone giving a single beep and she threw down her binoculars to read what he'd read. Her eyes widened. "Cas! He wrote back: 'Tough'. Tough! How dare he?" She turned to the angel in surprise and frustration. "I'm going to get him when he's alone and he'll never be the same again! If he thought I was scary when we were dating-!" She gave a little groan. "He's about to have the fires of hell descend on him!"
Castiel was beginning to fear that his charge was more suited to be a demon than an angel.
It was that horrifying realization that left him near catatonic for the next couple of hours as she spied on the others.
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your first attempt, and try again." Lois rubbed her hands together and grinned with evil delight as she stared at the flameless candles. "Candle-light? Check. Romantic scenery? Check. Cutesy food? Check. Wine? Check." She looked around until her gaze rested on Chloe and Clark. "Victims A and B? Check." She raised an eye at Oliver. "Excuse that this is just a friendly get together? Check." Her gaze rested on Lucy. "Distraction for Oliver so he doesn't mess this up again? Check!" She turned to Castiel and grinned. "Our plan is going to work this time!"
Their plan? He'd had no part in this and still wasn't sure why he had to be here as well.
"Just you watch and see, Cas, this is perfect!" Lois set the wine on the picnic blanket. "Can you feel the love tonight?"
He truly tried his best, but couldn't. "No."
She groaned and turned a glance on him as she started taking out the sandwiches and fruit and cheese she'd ordered for this night. "Work with me here, Cas."
"But I am." He blinked in confusion.
Lois' annoyance turned to amusement as she smiled at him. "Yes, you are." She reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. "Thanks. I know you don't really get what I'm trying to do but you're still supporting me, and that means a lot."
Castiel stared at her and nodded. "We will get passed this task and you will earn your wings."
Lois' smile dropped slightly before she forced it back up and nodded. "Of course."
She wasn't smiling later on into the night when Lucy and Clark were laughing over a story Clark was telling, and Oliver and Chloe walked by the lake and looked up at the stars, Oliver pointing up to certain sections of the sky and starting to talk as if he knew anything about constellations.
"I will not be defeated." Lois poured herself yet another cup of wine as she stared at the others with narrowed eyes. "Give me obstacles! See if I care! I'll bulldoze them down and walk over their beaten corpses!"
Castiel could vividly picture Lois Lane standing on top of a mountain of dead bodies, her hands on her hips and her head thrown back in maniacal laughter. He gulped, beginning to truly fear that he was losing her to the dark side.
Lois groaned and leaned her head against Castiel's shoulder. "All this evil genius brainstorming is tiring, especially when my pawns just won't move in the direction I want them to."
Castiel stared down at the crown of her brown mop of hair. "We're not supposed to move people in the direction we want them to, we're supposed to help them make decisions that will make them happier."
"That's exactly what I'm doing." Lois gave a loud sigh. "It's not my fault everyone's too dumb to see what's right in front of them."
The angel patted her shoulder awkwardly in an effort to comfort her. "You have to be patient with humans, Lois."
"It's not just humans I'm talking about," Lois mumbled into her glass of wine.
He tilted his head in contemplation, not exactly sure what she meant by that, and spent the rest of the night (with her leaning her head against his shoulder) wondering why she might feel impatient with him.
It'd taken him a couple of days, but Castiel realized that Lois must believe that he was not earnest in his efforts to help her earn her wings, as that was the only reason why she might be unhappy with him. That was why he put himself more fully into this plan of hers, even though it didn't seem about to bare any fruits. He was her SO and he owed her this support in her time of need.
That was the only reason why Castiel was in this den of iniquity.
"Will you stop calling that?" Lois bounced around to the music, dressed in very inappropriate attire, her face one large grin. "You sound so old and judgmental!"
He frowned at that. "It's not my place to judge, but this is exactly what this place is: a den of iniquity. There are people who are using the darkness to do drugs or even fornicate. And let us not speak about the obvious rampant intoxication from the distribution of alcohol."
"Isn't it great?" Lois danced closer to him. "With this atmosphere those two are going to definitely get jiggy with it!"
"Get jiggy with it?" Castiel blinked and wished that Chloe was here to translate.
"Do the horizontal mambo!" Lois grinned before she frowned slightly when she noticed that his confused expression hadn't disappeared. "Do the naked pin the tail on the donkey?" Her eyebrows lifted. "Play doctor?"
"Are they interested in becoming physicians?" Castiel tilted his head to the side.
Lois let out a sigh. "I need a drink." She turned and moved through the bodies towards the bar.
Castiel cast a glance around him and turned when a girl came up to dance in front of him, smirking at him. He blinked, not sure what one was supposed to do in this situation. Why exactly had Lois left him alone in the mob again?
Another girl danced behind him.
He felt it was rude to let her directly that she was a little too close, that her breasts were rubbing against his back, and was unclear as to how she hadn't noticed this already. He leaned forwards to whisper it to the girl in front of him and ask her if she could kindly let the girl behind him know this for him. The angel didn't anticipate the intoxicated girl in front of him to grab his face and kiss him.
"Hey! Hey! Get off of him!" Lois' voice could be heard before the girl was yanked off of him. "Find your own angel!"
"Sorry, didn't realize he was taken." The girl licked her lips, winked at Castiel, and disappeared into the mass of dancing bodies.
Lois turned and glared at the girl plastered against his back. "If you don't disappear in two seconds I'm breaking your fingers."
"Party pooper," the girl mumbled before she too, left.
Castiel frowned at Lois. "As an angel you should not threaten humans-."
"And you shouldn't go kissing them indiscriminately!" She snapped at him as she downed one shot and then the other in quick succession before pausing when someone caught her eye. "There they are!"
He looked in the direction she was looking in and noticed Chloe and Clark standing next to each other, smiling.
"Score one for the angel with the training wheels!" Lois punched her fist in the air. "Now that they're here they'll investigate a little, realize that no one is getting killed tonight, and then will be swayed by all the naughtiness and get their sexy on!" Her smie suddenly vanished. "No no no no no! What the hell are they doing here?"
Castiel blinked when he saw Oliver and Lucy appear, each of them with glasses of alcohol in their hands, Oliver passing one to Chloe and Lucy passing one to Clark. "Maybe they asked the others to come as backup? You did lie, once again, and tell them that you'd heard that there were shady things happening in this club and they should come and check it out together to make sure that it wasn't the truth."
Lucy downed her drink just as quickly as Lois had and smiled as she reached out for Clark's hand, separating him from the others as they headed into the crowd.
Oliver and Chloe were left standing next to each other, small smiles on their faces as they spoke.
Lois groaned and leaned her forehead against Castiel's shoulder. "What am I doing wrong?"
That was a question Castiel asked himself countless times when it came to his charge, and yet while she frustrated him to no end he could not stand to see her so utterly depressed. The angel placed an arm around her shoulders in a gesture he'd seen many human males do to their female counterparts, and gave her a small squeeze. "Do not worry, Lois. Somehow it will work out."
Lois wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her cheek against his beating heart. "Well, tonight wasn't a total loss I guess."
He stared down at the top of her head and wondered what she meant with that.
"I'm a failure!" Lois Lane threw herself on her bed, a bottle of some sort of alcohol in her hand. "A big fat failure!"
Castiel did not know how exactly to react right now. "You could not know that-."
"It's all Ollie's fault!" Lois wasn't listening to him as she ranted. "If he hadn't put his big butt on that seat they would've been together in the most romantic cafe in Smallville and the sparks would've exploded between them!" She took a swig from her bottle. "But did that happen? No! Did forcing everyone to have a picnic under the moonlight by Crater Lake so that they could be together in the candlelight work? No! Why? Because Ollie had to get in the middle and showed off his knowledge of the stars! Who the hell cares?"
"Chloe seemed interested," Castiel murmured.
"Did our big plan to have Chloe and Clark go together as a couple to investigate that bogus report we made up in that amazing nightclub work? Did the dark atmosphere and the dancing bodies seduce them into giving into their carnal desires?" Lois seemed to be talking to the ceiling. "No! Because Oliver had to once more stick his big butt into the situtaion and offer to come along and brought Lucy with him! And what did my slutty sister do? So completely hogged Clark's attention and left Chloe having to deal with Oliver for company the whole night!"
"Well, Clark was terrified of the thought of going to that underground nightclub, it's not his sort of place and we all knew he'd stick out terribly. I thought it was kind of Oliver to offer to come as well so it wouldn't just be Clark and Chloe in such a supposedly dangerous situation." Castiel had felt a little badly for the way Lois had bullied Clark into going by telling him of all the (made up) deaths and (made up) disappearances that supposedly were connected to that specific place.
"Foiled! By my very own sister!" Lois was deep in mourning. "That little slut!"
The angel sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. "You shouldn't say that about your sister."
"But she stole him from Chloe!" Lois cried out as she sat up. "She's dating Clark! She messed up everything." Lois threw herself back down on the bed. "Chloe must be so heartbroken!" The brunette looked truly in pain. "I wanted to help her but all I did was break her heart even more than it already was!" Lois sat up, once more, and grabbed Castiel by the lapels of his trenchcoat, eyes narrowed. "I'm not an angel! I'm a demon!"
Despite the many times Castiel had feared that very thing, staring into her hurt and worried face he felt the intense need to comfort. So that was why he didn't tell her that yes, he sometimes feared the same thing, and instead brushed away the tears he didn't think she even realized she was shedding at that moment.
Lois looked like she wanted to cry even harder when he did that.
He couldn't understand why. Was he doing it wrong?
A knock sounded on Lois' bedroom door. "Hey, Lois? Can I talk to you for a moment?"
Lois' eyes widened and she wiped at her eyes madly. "Come in!"
Chloe opened the door and stared at the two of them on the bed before she blinked. "I, uh, can come back later if-."
"No! Come in! Talk to me! I'm always here for you!" Lois jumped off of the bed and had an arm around her cousin's shoulders in seconds, ushering her into the room. "You know that you can always come to me, right? That I only want the best for you?"
Chloe stared at her cousin in slight confusion. "Of course Lo, and I feel the same way for you."
"So if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here, and Cas will even let you blow your nose in his tranchocoat."
Castiel didn't remember agreeing to that.
"I, uh, thanks?" Chloe sent Castiel a look whcih clearly asked him what the hell was going on.
He didn't feel he could respond that look with one of his own because it'd been far too long since he truly understood what was happening around him either.
"Lucy and Clark-," Lois began.
"They're great together, aren't they?" Chloe surprised them by grinning brightly. "I think they're perfect. Plus, he's like a brother to me , so Lucy has the chance to make him truly family."
Lois blinked. "You're-you're okay with this?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Chloe blinked as well.
Lois seemed utterly perplexed. "But when you came in you looked, uh-."
"Oh." Chloe nodded and took in a deep breath. "This is a completely hypothetical question about a hypothetical situation and hypothetical people."
Lois nodded slowly. "Okay..."
"So," Chloe licked her lips. "How would you feel if a girl liked one of her cousin's exes and he liked her back? Hypothetically?"
Castiel felt intrigued. That was a very random hypothetical question.
Los' eyes widened in pure shock before she suddenly grinned brightly, giving Chloe a tight hug. "The cousin would be so freaking happy for her! She deserves it! Hypothetically, of course."
Chloe looked like she wanted to cry from relief as she hugged Lois back. "I love you Cuz, thanks."
"Well, I'm an angel. I'm lovable and awesome like that." Lois pulled away and smirked at her cousin. "Now go and be hypothetical."
Chloe chuckled before she left the room.
Lois watched her until she closed the door, and then threw herself on the bed next to Castiel with a squeal. "I freaking rock! Without even trying!"
"I don't understand." Castiel stared from Lois to the door and back. "What about that hypothetical situation has made you so happy?"
Lois merely smiled at him. "You'd know if you'd let me teach you to be human."
He raised an eyebrow at her, feeling like he was being teased.
Lois wrapped her arms around his and leaned into him, a contented sigh escaping her lips. "Now that I know that my Lil Cuz is happy, I can concentrate all my genius on you."
Castiel eyed her, not sure why she was so fixated on making him more human. But maybe, if it would explain why he always felt so off-kilter whenever he was around her, especially when she was physically close and touching him, he should let her.