Title: The Secrets We Don't KeepPairing: Clarke Griffin/Bellamy BlakeFandom: The 100Rating: K+/TDisclaimer: Don't own the 100Summary: The one in which Clarke thinks that she's kept the fact that she's pregnant (and that Bellamy is the father) a secret, but she really hasn't.
Bellamy was truly and fervently pissed with Clarke. They had had arguments and fights before, but it had never been like this. Clarke had never had him furious at her and she didn't like it, at all.
She got that she'd been reckless and that she'd put a lot on the line, but she'd needed to know. If there was an illness affecting children she'd needed to find out what it was and how to stop it before it reached their village and affected their children.
But still, she could get how Bellamy had found her actions careless and headstrong.
It was hard for her to sometimes realize that her actions didn't just affect her. She was still a teenager and being stubborn and headstrong had always been her major sin. It was her need to barrel into danger in the name of helping people that had gotten her locked away while on the Ark. It was also hard for her to admit all of this to herself, to admit that she had faults like this, but this whole fight with Bellamy was really making her stop and think.
And the more she thought about it, the more she realized that Bellamy had a point. And she hated that. Hated admitting that she might've been wrong in a way, and that he might've been right. Hated seeing how he could think that she'd chosen Finn over the safety of her children. Hated it. But could actually see why he'd think that. Damn it.
She was still new at this mommy thing, but that still wasn't an excuse.
During the weeks that followed her ordeal with the Grounders Clarke tried to apologize to Bellamy, to show him that she did value him, that she wouldn't do anything again to put what they had in jeopardy, but things weren't the same. Like Bellamy had said: he'd forgiven her, but he didn't trust her. Now she knew she had to find a way to get him to trust her.
She didn't realize just how much that trust had meant to her until she'd lost it. It made her question every decision she made now. She wasn't used to questioning herself. Wasn't used to doubting everything she did. It was driving her insane but she did it anyway.
All of this had affected her relationship with Finn as well because every time she saw him she got angry, or depressed. She wanted to blame him for everything but couldn't. Sure, it had been his fault that it happened in the first place, but she'd still chosen to go against Bellamy's orders, had risked everything, to go and save Finn. That had been her choice.
Octavia and Raven were receiving very similar treatment from their boyfriends, and the three women had banded together in solidarity, but Clarke was the only one who actually really regretted what she'd done. To a point. She didn't want Finn dead, she was glad he was alive and back in the village, but a part of her wondered if it had all been worth it.
"Lincoln needs to stop being friends with Bellamy, immediately," Octavia growled as they congregated in her cabin. "He won't stop chewing me out for what we did. He says we put the whole village in danger. That we were reckless and idiotic and selfish."
"Miller has said the same thing to me." A muscle jumped in Raven's cheeks. "He then accused me of still being in love with Finn. Which I'm not." She shivered at the thought. "He said that my 'feelings' for Finn put this whole village, and one of the co-leaders, in jeopardy. He said that the Grounders could've killed Clarke and made us weak since we wouldn't have her healing skills, or they could've decided to keep her there for themselves. And okay, I agree with that, but how could we not do everything in our power to help one of our own? We're all that's left of our people! We can't just leave one of ours to be tortured and killed without at least trying to do something about it!"
Clarke agreed with the last part, and yet she sighed. "What if it was airborne? What if I had brought the disease into our village?" She ran her hands over her face. "I could've brought sickness to my children." She let out a groan. "Bellamy has every right to be pissed off at me."
"No, don't let him win!" Octavia shook her head as she placed her hand on her shoulder. "You can't give into his temper tantrum just because his jealousy is making him act like an asshole!"
"This isn't about jealousy, O." Clarke slipped her hands from her face. "This is him being a leader to our people, and me being a friend when I should've been a leader as well. He told me once, you know, that being the leader sucks and we have to make the hard choices-the ones that are best for our people." She gave a flinch. "His choosing to not rescue Finn was one of those hard choices."
"I'm not too sure it was hard for him," Octavia grumbled. "Plus, he did the same thing you did-he went after you even though he knew that there as a good chance he wouldn't be making it back alive."
"Yeah," Raven nodded. "He knew that if the two of you were killed, we'd be left leaderless. And yet he still took the chance to go after you, alone. So he can't be mad at you because you-."
Clarke flinched hard as that truth hit her in the gut. Bellamy had risked everything for her. Their children could've become orphans. The village could've been left leaderless and vulnerable to attack.
And. It. Was. All. Her. Fault.
Clarke felt ill to her stomach and she pushed to her feet. "I have to go."
And with that she rushed out of the cabin.
"What are you doing here, Clarke?" His voice was flat and uninviting.
Clarke licked her lips, nervous as she stood in the sentry box with him. "I'll make this short."
He eyed her emotionlessly, his face not betraying anything.
He gave a mirthless chuckle. "I've already heard that."
"I was wrong." Clarke pushed the words she wasn't used to saying out passed her lips. "I put the village at risk. I put our children at risk. And I did so stubbornly and without stopping to consider the ramifications of what I was doing."
Bellamy merely watched her in silence.
"And then you came to save me." Clarke shook her head. "Because of me our children could've grown up without parents-or could've died if I'd brought the sickness back with me."
"Exactly." Bellamy snapped. "You're the village doctor. You should've thought about that!"
She flinched. "I'm sorry."
"I'm on sentry duty, Clarke. I need to pay attention to our surroundings." His voice remained flat. "You know, in case your new Grounder friends attack us."
She flinched harder and nodded. "I'm sorry." She turned and reached for the rope ladder before she let herself down.
"Clarke, please, just-."
"I'm busy, Finn." She tended to the burn victims. With things so horribly bad between her and Bellamy she spent time that wasn't with her children, tending to patients.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Finn let out a huff of breath. "I thought that if we could make peace that we could share resources. So many people died last winter, and we already had so many hurt with the fire-I thought I could reason with them. Let them see that it would be beneficial for all of us to be allies." He hung his head. "I was trying to help you."
"I know that." She finally turned to Finn. "But you put me in a horrible position, Finn."
"I know, and I'm sorry."
She nodded. "I know." She wondered if this was what Bellamy felt when he heard her say those two words over and over again.
Her children were beautiful.
Clarke lay in bed with the twins playing next to her, and she couldn't help but feel entranced as she stared at them. She knew that there was so much she didn't know about being a mother, and was scared that she'd keep making mistakes. She wanted to do good by them. For the first time in a very long time she wished her mother was here. Despite everything she'd done, Abby Griffin had been a wonderful mother. Clarke was worried that already she herself was becoming a terrible one, one that placed other people over her children.
She didn't know what she was doing most of the time, tried to go on instinct, but there were things she knew that her mother could've helped her with-could've guided her through.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to the children. "I'm going to be a better mom. You'll be proud of me."
The babies continued to coo, quite content.
She smiled softly and pressed a kiss to their foreheads. "I love you guys so much." She let out a sigh. "I wish your daddy was here."
Ever since "the happening" Bellamy spent most of his time out of the cabin, and when he came back it was very late. He'd then be gone early morning.
She missed the times they'd spent together just talking. She missed their easy relationship. She missed Bellamy. Damn it, she missed him like hell!
Jake shook his fist in the air and gave a little squeak that surprised Aurora and made her jump.
Clarke smiled tenderly at her children. "I'll be a better mother. I swear."
"You're looking great." Clarke smiled at Jessa as she examined her leg. "How's it feeling?"
"Still very sensitive, and sometimes I'll get jolts of pain." Jessa made a face as she sat on the examination table. "But otherwise I'm fine." She blushed slightly. "Ross still likes me. He says I'm still pretty."
Clarke chuckled as she gazed up at the girl. "See? Bellamy told you this wouldn't make you ugly."
Jessa nodded, pleased. "I think I like him. Ross." She blushed, hard. "I think he could be my Bellamy."
Clarke let out a sight as she reached out and brushed her hair out of her face. "You cherish those feeling, and protect what you two have."
Jessa nodded. "Definitely will."
Clarke smiled and swallowed passed the lump in her throat.
It started with the shakes.
Clarke stared at her hand as it trembled, and she fought back the nerves that filled her. This had been happening more and more lately and she was worried. Very worried.
"I don't like this, Clarke." Raven frowned as she rocked Jake in her arms. "The quarantine cabin isn't completely finished, and it's still outside of the walls. And we haven't stocked it properly."
"If I have something I can't risk giving it to anyone else in the village." Clarke packed things into a bag. "Especially not my kids."
"You don't think this is what the Grounders had, do you?" Octavia held Aurora, worried.
"It's been weeks. If it was that it would've showed up already." Clarke shook her head. "Plus, that was poisoning. This…" she raised her hand for them to see just how much it trembled. "This is something else."
"I don't like this, Clarke," Raven repeated. "At least tell Bellamy-."
"The children are with you, and he won't talk to me." She let out a sigh. "He won't even know I'm not here unless there's an emergency. And if there's an emergency you know where to find me." She pulled the strap onto her shoulder and wanted to cry as she stared at her children. "I want to kiss them but I'm scared I might give them whatever I have." She let out a stuttered breath. "I-I've got to go." And with that she hurried away, tears in her eyes.
Clarke had made a fire in the chimney in the Quarantine cabin outside the walls, and lay on the bed closest to the chimney. She was cold and the trembling was getting worse. Despite that she was feverish and the world spun dangerously despite the fact that her eyes were closed. She felt terrible. This was some sort of flu, probably brought on by her stress and overworking.
She could feel fever building up and she drifted in and out of consciousness.
When she opened her eyes to see her mother she realized she'd started hallucinating, but instead of feeling afraid it comforted her somewhat. "Hi."
"Hey." Abby Griffin sat on the edge of the bed and dragged a wet washcloth over Clarke's burning forehead. "You don't look so good."
"I don't feel so good." She gave a little whimper and curled up in the sheets. "I miss you, mommy."
Abby eyed her oddly before she gave a little shaky smile. "I've, uh, missed you too."
"I don't know what to do." She figured that even if this was a hallucination, it was still her mom, in essence. "I really screwed up. So badly." She bit down on her lip. "Bellamy won't even look at me."
Her mother was completely silent.
"I think he hates me. And I wouldn't blame him." Tears welled in her eyes. "But I don't want him to hate me."
Abby cleared her throat, seeming uncomfortable. "He doesn't hate you, Clarke."
"Yes he does. And he thinks I chose Finn over my family, and I get why he would think that, but I didn't." She wiped at a stubborn tear and swallowed hard, her throat inflamed. "I didn't."
Abby didn't say anything, merely continued wipe down her fevered forehead.
"I want him to look at me again, to talk to me." Clarke felt her shaking grow worse despite how hot she felt. "I miss him, mommy."
Abby licked her lips and looked a little scared.
Clarke could feel herself drifting, and needed to tell her mom this, even if she was just a hallucination. "I love him, you know."
Abby dropped the cloth she'd been using to wipe Clarke down. "W-what?"
"I wish you could meet him, and your grandchildren." Clarke could barely keep conscious, to talk. "We named our daughter after his mother and our son after daddy." She whimpered. "I miss daddy too."
Abby gulped loudly, visibly uncertain of what to do.
"I like to pretend that I know what's best and what to do, but I don't." She gave a sigh. "I really don't. What if something else I think is right ends up hurting my kids? Or the village? Or Bellamy?" She sniffled and wiped at a tear. "I think Bellamy hates me." And with that she fell asleep with a sob.
Clarke awoke feeling a little better. At least her hallucinations were gone, her mother was no where around. A part of her felt relieved because it meant that she was healing from whatever this was, and another part of her mourned the loss of her mother. She was surprised that the fire had lasted this long (even though she'd piled the wood high on it before collapsing).
"Hey." A voice announced uncertainly from behind her.
Clarke's eyes widened as she turned to see Bellamy in the doorway. "What are you doing here?"
He nodded to himself, as if he'd been checking something, and gave her a small smile. "How are you feeling?"
"What. Are. You. Doing. Here?" She glared at him as she pulled the blankets up to her chest. "What I have could be contagious. That's why I'm here! If the village-."
"Shut up." He spoke with no heat whatsoever as he disappeared into the adjourning room and returned with some soup. "You need to eat."
"You could catch whatever I have."
"I've already been exposed to it." He sat down by her bedside. "Now eat."
She stared up at him, wanting to tell him to leave but knowing he was right. He'd already been exposed. It made more sense for him to stay. "Thank you."
He nodded and moved to the fire, adding more wood to it.
She eyed his back, wondering if he wasn't angry with her anymore or if he was merely being nice to her because she was ill. "Bellamy?"
"Hmmm?" He didn't look at her, merely tending to the fire.
He gave a non-committal sound.
She took whatever he'd give, and ate in silence.
"You're not sleeping in the same bed as me." She raised an eyebrow at him.
"Why not?" He raised an eyebrow back. "It isn't like it would be the first time."
"There are other beds here." She didn't understand what was going on. He hadn't been able to look in her direction for weeks and now they were arguing about this? "I know you've' already exposed yourself to whatever I have, but sleeping in the same bed with me is asking to get this. No. You're going to sleep in one of the other beds and-."
Bellamy threw himself down on her bed and pulled the sheets over him.
Clarke's lips parted as she stared at him in shock. "You can't be this stubborn."
He merely smirked and turned so that his back was towards her. "Night, Princess."
Tears came to her eyes at the pet name she'd missed so much. "You're impossible."
She laid down with her back towards his and couldn't keep the watery smile off her face.
"I told you that you'd get this. I told you to sleep in another bed." Clarke shook her head as she fed Bellamy soup that she'd made from the supplies in the kitchen. "But would you listen to me? No."
"Shut up," he mumbled around the spoon.
"You're just lucky that I got better, otherwise the both of us would be sick and we'd be in deep trouble." She raised an eyebrow at him, not wanting to admit how cute and childish he was acting right now.
Bellamy ignored her and just accepted the soup with a loud slurp.
Her lips twisted in amusement and she decided to stop chiding him. The girl stayed there and tended to Bellamy, and admittedly loved it. Bellamy was usually the one taking care of her, he usually was strong and self-reliant and seemed untouchable, and yet this Bellamy was far from all of that. He needed her, he depended on her, and she loved that. She loved being able to be this close to him, to talk to him, to-she'd missed him.
He finished the soup and laid back down with a groan, obviously still feeling terrible. He rested his forearm over his eyes. "Stop relishing having this control over me."
She smiled brighter at that and shook her head as she put the empty plate and spoon on the table. Her smile then slipped and she licked her lips. "Bellamy?"
"I'm going to win back your trust." She shook her head. "I'm going to earn it back."
He was silent, his body still, he didn't even remove his forearm from his face.
"I know I was an idiot, but I've missed you, I've missed our friendship-our family-what we had-I know I screwed up but I'll work on it." She took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry and I'm going to show you that you can trust me."
He still didn't say anything, and it was making her nervous. Even if he merely told her off she'd be happy.
Bellamy finally made a sound. He sighed. "I've missed you too, Clarke."
Tears filled her eyes and she threw herself onto him, hugging him as she cried.
Bellamy's other arm found its way around her but he kept his forearm pressed to his face and didn't speak after that.
Clarke didn't care.
"I miss the kids." Clarke stared up at the ceiling as the wind whistled in the trees around the cabin.
"Me too." Bellamy gave a heavy sigh. "I'm also worried that there will be anarchy in the village when we get back."
Clarke turned in bed to stare at him. "Sorry."
His dark gaze turned to her. "Don't be."
She sighed as she stared at him. "If I hadn't gotten sick you wouldn't have-."
"Clarke, stop talking." Bellamy's gave caressed her face and he hesitated a second before he reached out and brought her to him. He stared deep into her eyes before he leaned over and closed the distance between them. His lips touched hers and fire raced through her veins. A whimper near escaped her lips when he pulled away and once more stared into her eyes. "I don't hate you."
The blonde smiled a tear-filled smile at him, relief spearing through her. "Thank you."
He stared up at her and smiled softly as he pulled her on top of him, his arm curling around her as they lay like that, with him anchoring her to him and her cheek pressed against his heartbeat.
Clarke had never felt so happy, relieved, comforted and at home as she did right then. "We should be fine to go back to the village tomorrow."
He made a contented sound. "I can't wait to see the kids."
"Me too." She'd missed them greatly but knew that Octavia and Raven would take good care of them.
"But I feel a little bad admitting that it was nice getting away from the duties of leader for a couple of days."
She smiled at that. "Really? I thought you loved controlling everything all the time and would be going through withdrawals by now."
His only answer to that was to reach down and pinch her hip.
She squealed and laughed as she jerked, but didn't move away, instead merely rested more fully against him. She could feel his chuckle rumble through his body, and was fascinated by it.
Bellamy's heat, his scent, his presence, it soothed her, and she found herself drifting off to sleep.
The last thing she heard before all became darkness was Bellamy whispering, very softly: "I really don't hate you."